Who Can We Tolerate as Friends and Lovers in Our Circle?
Until now, I have not asked folks in my circle of friends/lovers for whom they voted in local, state and national elections. These seemed like private choices that did not impact relationships … until now. Of course, I learned the stance of many in the course of conversations.
I am profoundly concerned that those who voted for our current President (I cannot call him a leader) and his like have a vastly different (diametrically opposed) value system from mine that impairs our relationships. Values do matter. I hold mine dear.
I know it is risky to assume that a voter believes in all the positions upon which a single candidate stands. Elected officials can have some positions with which one disagrees and many others with which one agrees. The voter could vote for our current President and still support the right of women over their own bodies. I get subtleties.
But, I Can’t Abide By….
But, at least for me, I cannot abide by friendships/love relationships, deep or casual or in-between, with folks who supported someone who, together with his party,
1. Want to deport all immigrants without distinctions and absent legality, including rounding up children from schools;
2. Support candidates or nominees to governmental positions of a wide ranging sort who are sexual abusers, drunkards and/or workplace harassers;
3. Speak about others with distain, disregard and downright meanness, like saying the amazing Right Reverend Budde is a “so-called” Bishop;
4. Disregard scientific, environmental and medical data, research and programs that are contrary to his/their liking and personal beliefs; and
5. Treat themselves and their kin and close friends as if America had a Royal Family as to which they are the heirs’ apparent, donning the attire, attributes and actions of kings and queens.
My Circle…with Nuance…
So, my circle (for those who care) is narrowing. And for those who were within it and who supported the current President and his minions, consider this a profound pause unless and until (1) the world finds its way back to norms that are tolerable within my value system and/or (2) I see remarkable capacity among these voters in my circle to separate themselves from the values of their leadership choices.
We all have choices as to those whom we choose to hold close.
I have always included in my circle those who exhibit kindness and decency and respect for others, folks who give back to society in meaningful ways day in and day out. That has included many folks who vote differently from me (and belong to different political parties) and have vastly different approaches to how to address our nation’s many challenges. I am not seeking a sycophant circle. I can engage meaningfully with difference — as long as there is an absence of meanness and narcissism and the presence of empathy.
But now, my circle narrows even further based on voting choices, unless and until I can see from these voters that they have retained and support decency and fairness and equity and equality. The latter are immutable values upon which I live. They are the air I breathe. They undergird my work, my writing, my teaching and my relationships. They most assuredly are part of my interpersonal relationships.
To be clear, if we differ on politics and our inner values are misaligned, I will not be rude. I will not be mean. I will not be nasty. I will not be snarky. I will not be disrespectful. I will not be discriminatory.
But, I do need to disengage… at least for now. Call this behavior on my part taking a stand and expressing concern about our world and those within it whose lives are now upended and disrupted and filled with fear. I need to take a stand as the earth is crumbling beneath my feet.
And to my many loyal readers, I’d ask these two things: (1) ponder the values of those whom you hold close to see if there is alignment among those values and your own; and (2) stand firm on those values that define you and by which you live your lives.
