What Words Can and Cannot Do: Lessons from the Trenches

Recently, I’ve been puzzling over words. And, it’s not simple to ferret out when words have power and when they lack power. Sometimes words are positive and sometimes, they are not enough. In short, when and how to use one’s words in dealing with others is not a simple story. That applies to children and adults.

Let me explain.

I have long distrusted the adage: sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you. That’s plain wrong. Despite a quote from Buffett with whom I oft-times agree, words can and do hurt. Walking away isn’t always the best response. It’s nice to say leaders need thick skin, but words penetrate even the thickest skin.

On the other hand, words of kindness can and should be absorbed with relish. How nice is a gift of positive words from others, whether co-workers or lovers or friends. It can make one’s day to receive words of affirmation, even from one’s superior or one’s child or one’s partner. A note, a card, an email, a text, a verbal statement: how good are these?

But, and here’s the rub and complexity: words are not always enough. Sometimes, our behavior requires more than words to enable a fruitful apology. Words can be cheap, especially when prior behavior overpowers the words. And the sincerity of one’s words of apology can ring hollow. Sometimes, they just don’t hold water, even if spoken in a halting and tearful way.

Consider these two example. Unintentionally, one makes a single, misguided wisecrack. It was intended in good fun but landed with a thud. The recipient is hurt. We’ve all had those moments. In these cases, a prompt sincere apology in WORDS helps. At least it diminishes the sting. And if followed on with some added action, all the better. Flowers do wonders.

But, what if one is habitually awful and mean and mean-spirited? What if one has done bad acts for months and surely with intention? What if one is cruel to another person regularly? (I have an example in mind involving water pouring into a colleague’s tote bag that has made national and international news).

In these cases, even a sincere verbal apology isn’t enough. Words don’t make up for some actions and surely we know that words can be easier to deliver than actions. An apology isn’t enough when the actions bespeak harm. And, in these instances, the wrong-doer must do more than apologize. The wrongdoer must demonstrate through acts that she/he gets the harm done.

For me, if one adult person hurts another adult person repeatedly, if one breaches the public trust placed in one by the voters repeatedly, if one acts in ways over and over again that are hurtful repeatedly, then the wrongdoer must step away. She/he must resign or take a leave from her/his post. She/he must enter therapy (whether or not it will work is another question). She/he must provide clear, unequivocal recompense both to the person wronged and to the public trust breached; payment of money; acts of charity; community service is a starter list. And society can respond too by bringing reprimands and criminal action and sanctions.

In this context, I was struck by a recent observation made by Colbert on his show. He remarked that a person who had wronged another repeatedly said that the behavior was not “in her character.” Colbert observed, quickly and with clarity, that if you do bad acts repeatedly, that “IS your character.”

Colbert is right. And I’d add, if your character is flawed, words of apology just don’t cut it. They can’t and they won’t get things back to the status quo ante, if that can even be done. And so we see that while words can and do lots of good, they can be inadequate.

The key is knowing the times when words are beneficial and when they are not. And therein lies the difficulty.

PS. And for those wondering about forgiveness (and forgetting), that’s a topic worthy of attention but it deserves its own blog or two or three.