Understanding Meanness

I have been struggling for decades to understand meanness. And, remarkable as it sounds, I never had a mean neighbor until I moved into my present home. True!

Today, at a local art gallery, a fellow artist and I were discussing meanness, both at the local and national level. She shared that she had had a mean neighbor. Two nights ago, I had dinner with another neighbor and she, too, shared that she had had a mean neighbor.

Both of these people observed that “their” mean people neighbors profess religion. (Mine does too.) There is, they suggested, a correlation they have seen between professed faith and meanness. Really? (Note: Doesn’t that correlate seem to be prevalent in our leadership today too?)

Wait I said: Doesn’t that raise issues of hypocrisy? Can these mean people sleep at night? They act mean yet adopt religious tenets that espouse kindness to others?

Yet another neighbor (this has been a remarkable week spending time with extraordinary neighborly folk) said the hypocrites don’t see themselves as hypocritical, even in the face of contradictory religious teachings. They are on the side of good, regardless of their behavior. They behave, in short, akin to unchristian Christians but don’t see themselves that way. Huh?

Read, she said, the book titled The Kingdom, the Power and the Glory. Ordered. Starting it tonight as the snow falls. Hope I find answers regarding how faith doesn’t require kindness and somehow sanctions or excuses meanness and absence of empathy. Is that what religious confession actually means, namely a place for excusing bad behavior while professing faith?

Transmutation

But, in the meanwhile as I ponder hypocrisy and religion, I was struck by the above quote and the concepts of envy and jealously and insecurity. The meannies, who are not changing, are missing things in their lives and these are not religious attributes necessarily.

The mean people are mean to those who have attributes or qualities they seek and which they lack (including self awareness). They somehow think that by denigrating those with the desired qualities these very qualities are transmuted to them. Another really?

Is that where religion steps back in to make the transmutation possible? Is that why just seeing these mean folks in person regularly evokes such discomfort? They are sucking the attributes of another?

These sought after attributes can vary dramatically among mean folks. It could be money or a career or artistic talent or friendships, among other things. Or a combination of all of them?

Insightful. Useful to ponder what these mean people quest after….and perhaps, just perhaps, it is well worth their families getting them some psychological help and filling their needs so they don’t need to seek them from others. Would either of these suggestions, even if implemented, work?

Being mean is not only unattractive; it is hurtful to others. And it does not give the mean person what they seek. Indeed, I’m observing that meanness grows and grows, unchecked by reprimands unless the consequences are grave.

The latter is a frightening thought ….. The only way to stop meanness is to make the threats for their continuing to be mean so so dire that the mean person retreats. Yucky. Really? Can that be right? Meanness is only mediated by meanness back? That can’t be right, can it? Tough for me to stomach being mean as the only way to stop meanness directed to/at me.

Postscript

This morning, Robert Reich answered my questions posed above, at least some of them. His newest essay/post is titled: Decency in a Time of Monsters.

Now, he suggests that while we can and should rail against mean or tyrannical or power abusing folks (as in stand up to meanness and I’d add in “with strength and action steps if needed,” in the rest of our lives (both personal and professional), we need to exhibit decency towards the other. This isn’t a contradiction. Standing up against meanness is key. Go on the offensive; don’t become defensive. Wow!

His words encapsulate what I have been trying to articulate for many many months. Yes, call out the horrors and meanness of others. Show courage by calling out their behavior. As prosecutors and others have done, quit your jobs if, as and when needed.

But, live by your values of kindness and decency and respect and care in the balance of your life and exhibit those values to those who need your help, your fortitude, your wisdom, your insights.

The prescription: Don’t let your values be silenced by mean people. There you have it: Don’t let your deeply held values be rocked by meanness. Address meanness directly and as needed but you yourself don’t have to be mean. It isn’t mean to speak out to meanness. Nor is it mean to hold mean people accountable. Phew!

In short, this is his message as I read it: don’t tolerate bad behavior. Take offensive (not as in bad) steps. And, live by the values you hold dear. Holding meannies accountable by your actions doesn’t mean you aren’t living your values. Therein lies the key: it isn’t mean to call out meannies. That instead is decency.

Here is an excerpt of his words. They are worth reading and re-reading, ideally in the context of his full (but short) essay.