The Slot Machine Mentality: I Had It

A very thoughtful friend (who is a therapist and an author) shared with me an analogy she learned from one of her mentors: when we are in untenable situations where we want a solution or affirmation or acceptance, some of us employ “the slot machine mentality.” Most of us are unaware of this label. We are unaware we are “gambling,” knowing the House always wins.

So, let me explain. Start here: Slot machines encourage a person to keep dropping in coins, hoping for a payoff. The payoff rarely comes. The tricky part is that on rare occasions, a tiny payoff arrives, often in the form of crumbs (rarely sizable jackpots). But the crumbs are enough, along with irrational hope, to keep one supplying coins (or vouchers in many instances) into machines.

Now apply this to one’s personal life. Suppose we want to garner a parent’s love or a potential partner’s love. Suppose that person is mentally ill or narcissistic or difficult or just plain mean. ( I have had to learn and to accept that some humans are just plain mean and/non-empathic. Even with repeated behaviors, I used to keep hoping for change.)

So I deployed the slot machine mentality – putting in effort for my mother’s love (among others) for minimal returns. But the crumbs encouraged me to keep dumping in coins (payoff say in the form of an occasional ambiguous three word text or a birthday card that spoke positively). It didn’t take much for me to keep putting the coins (effort, actions, obeisance) into the machine.

So I’ve finally seen the so called light. I am abandoning slot machines. I am tired of losing and I am tired of being duped. It get it. The House wins and the chimerical idea of winning is just that.

I just hope my next “mentality” is wiser and more nuanced and capable of actually enabling real success… I think Roulette is out. Odd with the House. Craps too. Stated differently, I’m staying away from casinos, not for my economic health or any gambling problem. Here’s why: What is the reason stay in a place (emotionally or behaviorally) where you know the odds are stacked against you?