The Secrets We Hold… like the Identity of Secret Santa

As we enter 2025, we enter a world filled with uncertainty, war, famine, homelessness, family dysfunction, sexual abuse and sexual challenges, political upheaval, illness, death, addictions and meanness. All in abundance. And with the release of the Matt Gaetz report, we get an inkling of misbehavior that abounds all around us — sadly. And the report’s release itself merits discussion.

And we hear and read and learn about all the above items in a wide variety of ways: media (of a wide ranging sort), other people, books, articles, radio, movies, personal experiences, conversations, workplaces. The list of sources is long. The release of the Gaetz report is, in my view, fair: a former public official (still in the public eye) violated laws and House rules. That is an instance when folks stepped forward (some were too scared to speak) and shared horrible damaging illegal and improper behavior of a then and still public figure. (He blames it on youth; he’s not exactly old now.)

Information Release (or Not)

I have heard about, witnessed and listened to information concerning far too many of the above identified items in workplaces and communities. I am after all a trauma expert; so, I have a large set of experiences to which I have been a first hand, on the ground, presence. Add to this that I have spent a lifetime as an educator and leader; in those roles, in both the public and private sector, I have been told many secrets. I have heard lots from students, faculty, staff; I have heard lots from neighbors and friends and lovers. I know lots of things about others. I had a 40 year marriage too; secrets within that relationship also (although we were a very public couple for decades).

But, when I blog and share with colleagues and friends, I share what I have experienced personally — what I have actually experienced, thought and felt. I do not share the secrets I have learned and have received in either or both my work and personal life.

This is important. I have been entrusted with many many details of peoples’ lives, including deeply personal and troubling information. One could say I know far too much about far too many people.

But this is the key part: I do not and will not share that information except in very limited circumstances. (More in that in a moment.) Just as I do not share information in legal settlement discussions. I could share vastly more than I do share about people and experiences but I don’t. There are secrets of a wide ranging sort that I will take to my grave.

I think folks know my writing is honest and transparent. It is filled with my truth. But readers who do not like or appreciate what I share need to know that I keep vastly more information secret than I disclose.

Here’s why and perhaps this will give comfort to those rendered uncomfortable with my prose: the information shared with me, often in moments of distress or anxiety or trauma or mental or physical illness or simple oversharing when one does not recognize or abide by standard boundaries (sadly labeled by some as “verbal diarrhea”), are not for public consumption. Much of the information and feelings and insights gathered or that are delivered from others to me are mine to know and take in (absorb) but not mine to share.

That observation is especially true when folks share about others (folks I may or may not know); surely the secrets of someone not present when those secrets are shared by another (whether the shared is a co-worker, a parent, an adult child, a relative, a friend, a former lover) are not for me to disclose. Not only can’t I verify them but the person whose information I now have has no idea I have it…I share then what I experience personally, not what others share with me and there is a vast difference between the two.

I do share private information if I think the person sharing is at risk of/for hurting themselves or others. I share if required by a court or other judicial or administrative inquiry. In the context of education, I am a mandated reporter. I share also if there are risks of public damage. I share if there are wrongs that must be righted or else sizable damage will ensue.

Examples: Think about the senior citizen who can neither see nor hear particularly well and whose car gets added scrape marks daily. This person shouldn’t be driving. I could learn this by listening and observing. Nor should a person who has been drinking (more than one glass of wine or a beer, especially consumed w/o food) following an outing with friends drive themselves or others. I could witness this or learn about this from others in attendance or with knowledge.

And if any of these types of events occurs, I most assuredly will share. I need to share them because we owe it to others to protect them from self harm or hurting others. We need to protect the larger common good and the health and wellness of our communities. And if you think this is overreaching or intrusive or too far a stretch, I’d ask why you aren’t stepping up and helping us keep our communities safe…Seriously, don’t we owe it to the common good to report things that could physically harm innocent people? Think about that and whether walking away or turning a blind eye (odd phrase) is exhibiting the best we have to offer as creatures inhabiting a shared earth.

I raise all this because, when we live in a world with lots of potential harm and lots of deregulation and far too many leaders and individuals in the public eye who do not know or pay attention to boundaries (think Gaetz), we must recognize the importance of speaking up and out. Wrongdoers must be identified.

But we also need to know that which must remain secret, namely damaging personal information that need not be shared because it threatens no one now physically, has occurred in the past and its key players have died or reached adulthood (or both). Why share when no good can come of harms disclosed from decades ago? Note: none of these exceptions to disclosure apply to Gaetz.

So, as we move into 2025 with information overflow and bad behavior of a wide ranging sort, we can share that which must be shared while remaining deeply vigilant about what is shared with us when people are at their most vulnerable. We need to shed light on bad behavior we witness and learn about (think Gaetz). Yes, sunshine is the best disinfectant. But we must acknowledge that some things are — even when not so stated — meant to be kept a secret. Like the identity of Secret Santas!

In short: Some things are best kept to oneself….absent risk of or possible real damage to self and others.