Meanness: What is Wrong with Us?
One would think I would be used to meanness by now. I experienced it growing up. I experienced it in work environments. I experienced it in relationships. I have witnessed it in schools and organizations. I have heard about it from so many people I’ve lost count. I have studied it. I have written about it.
Yet, meanness still shocks me. It shocks me on several levels: (1) I often can’t fathom the whys of the offending words/behavior; (2) It isn’t how I want to characterize human behavior (the human character) despite every reason to believe it exists in abundance; (3) it is unnecessary cruelty in a world that already has so many problems that we surely don’t need more; and (4) positions of power (wherever located) demand trust, and every act or word of meanness by those in power diminishes trust, often irrevocably, and tarnishes our already fragile social fabric.
I get that some folks are narcissistic. I get that some folks cannot see the goodness that exists around them. I get that some people are negative by nature. I get that some people have different priorities and values from those I hold dear. I get that some people act out their own anger and frustration and unhappiness onto others. I may not like these observations but I don’t deny their existence. And, other than in a work context where my actual work involves helping those who are traumatized (and sometimes mean), I am learning to walk away and create clear boundaries as to how I want to be treated and what makes me uncomfortable. I am old enough to walk away. Life’s too short to allow mean people to walk on one’s pathway.
Now, as to meanness: one has to be totally oblivious to the other to habitually perpetrate meanness unless one is intentionally and knowingly hurtful to others. And meanness can appear without the offender being aware and at other times, being fully aware of their behavior/words/actions/inactions. I am all the more concerned about meanness from folks in positions of power and authority; the recourse for the recipients may be limited. Also mean people who exercise power can see themselves above others, and those beneath them may feel powerless or uncomfortable. Some folks aren’t in a position safely to say: this behavior of yours is unacceptable, unwarranted and inappropriate as well as possibly illegal in addition to being immoral.
Two Recent Examples
There is a state representative hailing from Bennington Vermont who has exhibited repeated extraordinary meanness to another representative from the same locale. The offender, Mary Morrissey, has exhibited juvenile behavior on many occasions (i.e. dumping water into her colleague’s tote bag repeatedly). It is all the more offensive because she portrays herself as moral and prim and proper and beautifully coiffed. Yet, beneath the surface, horrible behavior has erupted. She has been cruel and unthinking to a colleague; she has been abusive to and she has stalked this colleague. Her behaviors are not one-offs. Her pro-forma words of apology aren’t enough. For some reporting on this by others, see these two links. And, by the by, she surely needs extensive therapy. Also, she needs to be reprimanded, censured, removed from office by the voters and brought up on criminal charges and that’s just the starter list.
And then there’s the state trooper (Michael Proctor) investigating the alleged murder of a police officer (Proctor’s the lead on the case). Proctor seemed to believe it was perfectly OK to send mean and nasty and demeaning and vulger reports of his views on the case and Ms. Read (the defendant) via email to friends/family. His language was offensive (not to speak of inappropriate given his legal role as investigator). He displayed misogynistic attitudes. He was crass. Yes, he was forced to read his own emails aloud in court at the murder trial and that was embarrassing but not yet sufficient means of addressing his behavior. Where Ms. Read is or is not guilty, an investigator cannot write and reveal such horrible things (including references to her body). For reporting on these emails, see these links as examples:
What Do We Do?
When children and young adults misbehave or exhibit totally unacceptable conduct or spew offensive and demeaning language, we have some sense of how to address this within schools and families — although our approaches to resolution too often are inadequate or ineffective or misdirected. We have seen that “punishment” does not work effectively and we have tried to discipline differently (a topic on which I have also written). We want to find ways to help kids who act inappropriately to pivot right (not as in right wing); we want them to make better choices and treat others vastly better. There is still time to help them. When young people are harassing, discriminating against and demeaning others, we want strategies that effectively change behavior over the near and longer term. We want them to engage as thoughtful citizens and workers and family members. How to do that is a topic for another day.
But, what do we do with adults who behave in juvenile ways, as seen in the two instances above under the cloak of power and prestige. Both Mary Morrissey and Michael Proctor exhibited reprehensible behavior repeatedly. Both violated the public trust. Both were mean and meanspirited. To date, neither has received sufficient and necessary discipline. We can be outraged but that is not enough. The conduct of these two individuals and others like them rot the fabric of our society. Whether Morrissey and Proctor know it, they are part of the problem and not part of the solution. Both abused their power and their standing. Both exhibited despicable behavior. Both demeaned themselves and their office. They are not the role models we need, unless we want to use negative modeling.
I am not one for public shaming (although it may have some merit in situations like these). I usually favor more rehabilitative approaches. But I am starting to wonder whether adults like Morrissey and Proctor would respond to and be changed by any rehabilitation. I actually think their behavior may just mirror who they are in real life.
So, I am puzzled and troubled by what we can do to help those offended, what we can do to insure that folks do not act badly toward others. Unfortunately, we live in a time when we seem way too capable of allowing the bad behavior by many people in power to be sloughed off or buried under the carpet.
Isn’t it time to call out the behavior of those who hold or held public trust and then to make it abundantly clear that they have deviated from social norms and cannot and should not participate in public life. We need to decry all forms of meanness, regardless of whether the offenders are politicians or Supreme Court Justices or police officers or doctors or members of the clergy. The list is, sadly, long.
Our nation is fragile. So is our moral fiber. We need to take a stand. Loudly. By voting. By getting systems within government and law to take hold of these matters and message loudly and clearly: being decent matters and being mean is offensive and unacceptable. And, we need to reward those who act with decency and moral fiber. Unfortunately, good deeds get little public attention and few rewards (other than internal ones). Let’s take the time to herald those who display decency and morality and goodness and kindness and loudly decry those who don’t. At least it’s a starting point, right?
