High School Athletics and Parents: It’s Time to Stop Harassment and Start Role-Modeling Decency

I have been a college president. I have written a myriad of articles/blogs on college and high school athletics. I sat on the DIII Presidents Advisory Group. And, to be transparent: I adore sports — watching them and doing them. I have witnessed remarkable coaches and players and fans. I have been to heartbreaking losses and wonderful wins. I have also witnessed far too much verbal abuse from the stands — against other fans, against players, against coaches, against referees.

This harassment from the stands has to stop and my reason for writing now yet again has to do with the recent resignation of the head football coach at Cardinal Spellman High School in Massachusetts. The story of the coach’s resignation has made local and national news. Publicly, the High School has wished the coach well in the future and said they were working to stabilize the program. (Stabilize parents might have been more accurate a statement.) Perhaps there are other less visible actions internally at the school with respect to parents but they are invisible to the eye of this beholder. And we do need to remember who pays the tuition bill and makes donations as that affects how institutions respond.

I am not singling out Cardinal Spellman High School for being the only school where parental behavior (misbehavior) is troubling. They are not the only institution in Massachusetts or across our nation where parent shouting and harassment are over the top — as in way over the top. But, there is a certain irony when a high school dedicated to Catholic values and decency has parents act with such a lack of decency.

Let me explain. And, as I do, I reminded of harassment and abuse against women and girls. Whosoever the perpetrator is, harassment/ abuse are horrific. If the perpetrator of these offenses is the survivor’s physician or coach or other person in a position of trust (like a religious figure), the behavior takes on an added layer of trauma as there is a breach of values and thwarted expectations. The already horrifying behavior is magnified. Role modeling is totally absent.

Cardinal Spellman High School Values

Let’s get some of the facts straight or at least those facts we can discern. I am sure there is a behind the scenes story somewhere here too. But, that story has not yet leaked. So I will address the situation based on what I can find in the public domain.

Start here. Below is an image taken from the Cardinal Spellman High School website showing the level of student participation in athletics (among 450 male and female students).

This is high athletic participation, and in a sport like football, there are many players, many coaches and many fans. Parents attend high school football games even if their own child is not playing; they attend for school spirit and because their child’s friend or neighbor’s child is playing. The high school’s Hall of Fame references their “glorious history of sports.”

Now I share an image taken from the same Cardinal Spellman High School website describing the school’s philosophy. It is worth reading twice at least.

I want to focus on the words: “to respect themselves and others.” Note particularly that this is focused on what the institution expects from its students. Would it be unfair to say that the institution expects the same or less from parents? The words “parents” or “family” or “guardians” are missing, and I could not find references to spectator behavior on the site (the spectator section of the website was concerned with attendance not behavior).

To be clear, here, parents pay (even with financial aid) a sizable sum for their children to attend this private parochial school (to the tune of $16,000 a year exclusive of aid). One assumes they want their children to attend so they get a good education, good values, good entry into college (including perhaps an athletic scholarship) and good friends.

But, if parents do not behave in ways that reinforce what the school itself espouses, how are young people to behave when left to their own devices? Do they follow the lead of their parents or the philosophy of their high school?

What Happened Here?

The football coach was subjected, according to his own and newspaper accounts, to disrespectful, unsafe and uncomfortable parental behavior. Words were uttered that were sufficiently mean spirited that the coach had his family leave games at half-time. The coach had to be escorted when he departed from a game to avoid unpleasant and apparently threatening parent encounters. For real. We are talking here about a high school football coach who likely isn’t making a lot of money and who loves the sport and teaching young people.

And what were the parents (and/or their surrogates) shouting about? A losing record? Poor play? Poor coaching? Why were the parents even yelling and intimidating a coach?

I get winning. I get losing records. But we are talking about high school football here. We are not talking about big money and NFL games or even betting. Perhaps parents are worried about collegiate recruiting — with the idea that the football players want to play DI football and a poor season or two could have collegiate athletic scholarships. That’s possible.

So I did a wee bit of research. There is one NFL player listed in a collection of names of the school’s notable alums — Chris Manhertz (class of 2010 and now age 30) who has played for the Panthers and Saints. (He‘s a tight end.) Even my son’s private school with weak athletics produced an NFL quarterback.

Research shows that Cardinal Spellman high school student-athletes in sports in addition to football have progressed to heights in college and the pros. Not many but some. Bravo and brava. My son was a Division I collegiate athlete too.

So, what accounts for the parental behavior? Since when it is OK to be rude and disrespectful to coaches (and referees who are hard to come by given the abuse they receive)?

If the goal of Cardinal Spellman parents was to get the coach to quit, surely there are better ways. If the goal of Cardinal Spellman parents was to get improved play from the players, surely there are better ways. If the goal of Cardinal Spellman parents was to show the need for revamping of the plays and approach to football games (and perhaps preparation too), surely there are better ways.

I appreciate that the offenders are not ALL parents. But, it only takes a few to mess things up. And where are the parents who are listening to this harassment? Are they just letting it happen as bystanders, tacitly accepting parental intimidation of a coach.

And I don’t want to hear that the coach must be a wimp or some other derogatory term because he would not tolerate being yelled at, sworn at and intimidated. I don’t care how old or mature he is, he doesn’t deserve to be mistreated. By anyone.

Other Thoughts and Solutions:

In a world like ours, filled with complexity and societal anger and division, I think there is little room for poor parental role modeling for their student-athlete children at games (and beyond). What conversations occur over dinner post-game? And, what if the student-athlete likes the coach being harassed? After all, some coaches are marvelous mentors far beyond athletics and some coaches even measure success not just based on wins and losses but by whether they helped students grow and flourish as responsible, ethical people who make our world a better place.

Surely social media doesn’t help because saying almost anything has become acceptable. Politicians among others have no trouble being mean spirited and nasty even. People in restaurants mistreat wait-staff and travelers mistreat flight crews. The list of misbehavior that passes as “acceptable” is long and growing. And while it is offensive to many of us, it is not as if we are standing up and saying: ENOUGH.

Does that make it right?

What happened to the notion of grace?

Why aren’t we having students give the game ball to the ref after a play is finished? Why aren’t we thanking coaches for enabling students to learn about teamwork and practice? Why aren’t we thanking refs when a game is done?

Look, many games are played fast; refs and coaches are human. They miss things and I don’t think they are trying to mess up — whether they are at the high school level or the pros or anywhere in between. Goodness, don’t you think that coaches/refs have sleepless nights over errors made? Do parents really think that coaches are designing bad plays on purpose or making errors with intention to tank a season (OK, draft order is a different fish altogether in the pros).

Concrete Suggestions:

Here’s an idea: have a parental/guardian pledge about behavior in the stands at games in every sport. A signed pledge done before the season starts as part of student participation. And, if the pledge is breached, the parents get tossed from the game — perhaps just for this game or perhaps for the season.

Yipes. It would take courage for a school to do that. And, I have tossed a parent from a game so I know it isn’t easy — at the time or later. Have folks in the stands monitoring behavior (other staff members, other student athletes, other coaches). And have a reporting system — even an anonymous one if there is a problem with courage.

And, here’s something I tried. Have the principals/heads of school sit together for the games. They can cheer for but they can’t cheer against. They can be supportive but not nasty. And then, after the event, they both go down on the field and shake the hands of the winners and losers. They could do it before the game too.

You laugh? I did both of these and it was remarkable. Students, faculty and staff like it. So did coaches. And, behavior improved. So did sportspersonship. So did comraderie. So did friendships. So did the quality of athletics being played. And it appeared in an NCAA magazine story too.

Sports is all about fair play. We don’t (generally speaking like cheaters of any time). So, why can’t parents think differently about these high school games and model fair play and quality cheering and keep the nastiness and anger and harassment to themselves in the recesses of their own minds while they ask themselves: Why am I behaving so badly? And, perhaps there can be a session pre-season from a sports psychologist to parents (and surrogates) about why we act out so badly at games and how we can self-regulate more effectively.

And, how many parents are living through their children, rather than living with their children and helping them grow? If one is making up for one’s own shortcomings or upbringing or fantasy sports success, then it is hard to rein in bad behavior. Adults in the stadium need to pull these parents aside — for real. And talk to them, share with them, listen to them and then help them behave in ways that are modeling what we want in our students.

One Final Thought or Two:

We owe it to the next generation to leave them a world better than the one we inherited. I wonder if we are doing that with all that is happening in our universe. But this I know: parental harassment of coaches has no place in our high school (or college or pro) stands. We can do better. We must do better. And, if we can’t do it for ourselves, at least we can do it for our children.

Cardinal Spellman High School has a teachable moment on their collective hands. I hope they put it to good use. I hope they improve the fan behavior. I hope they have courage. And, I hope they live up to their own philosophy. There is almost nothing worse than double standards — in any context. So, rise up Cardinal Spellman. Do better. Have your parents do better. And, I for one, will be cheering such an effort.

Postscript: A special thank you yet again to Bill Reeve for sharing both his thoughts and suggestions. He pushes me to write and write and write.