Having Money Doesn’t Guarantee Happiness but It Surely Can Mask Sadness
Money and Happiness
Two recent events have been rattling around in my mind and while they are vastly different in some ways, they both exemplify the notion that money doesn’t guarantee happiness. And, they both sadly demonstrate how wealth can hide unhappiness.
The literature is mixed in terms of money providing happiness. Surely it does provide happiness for some people, especially those with incomes that are not high enough to meet family needs. And, to that extent, money — whether earned or won or gifted — has important value to the recipient.
On the other hand, there are extremely wealthy individuals who by all outside appearances look like they have it all who are miserable and depressed and struggling for any number of reasons including loneliness, lack of a quality romantic partner, loss of business status, needing to prove one’s worth again and again despite “winning,” vying to get approval and friends through dollars spent.
Tom Lee’s Suicide
With that in mind, I want to address first the suicide last week of Tom Lee, originally from Boston, and a well-known, well-regarded investor who some would say launched the leveraged buyout industry. He amassed a fortune (leaving an estate of $2 billion) and was a generous donor to many institutions. He collected art and homes and friends. He was married with five children (two with his first wife and three with his second wife) and two grandchildren.
Here’s an article describing his death. A warning: this isn’t easy reading and may generate (as it did in me) a myriad of thoughts/concerns/observations. There are plenty of other articles for those interested in learning more.
Now there were bumps in Tom’s life to be sure (a divorce, a stalker from a brief affair with some sexual consent issues, a smaller business as he aged, questionable and fractured friendships) but by all accounts, wealth was not an issue. He was wealthy by any measure.
We will never know why Tom Lee shot himself in his NYC office (in a building where both I and my late husband worked). He left no note. It was seemingly a surprise to many, although I have my personal doubts about that. Surely, someone in the know knew he was struggling. He had recently lost a ton of weight; he had spent time alone (apparently it seems without his wife); he saw the youth brigade advancing; that reality was making him a footnote rather than a central player in the business marketplace. Maybe he got some horrible medical prognosis and wanted to avoid a prolonged illness — for his own peace of mind and that of his family.
Why is this bugging me? Well, my parents and Tom’s parents were best of friends. Tom’s parents collected art, as my mother repeatedly reminded me. (My mother was difficult and, unfortunately, mentally ill). My mother always mentioned what a success Herb and Micki’s son was: Tom made a fortune; he had fame; he was remarkably smart. He went to Belmont Hill and Harvard (as if that was way better than my attending Buckingham and Smith). I heard about Tom for years and years from my mother; I sometimes wondered if my mother had plans to play matchmaker as I got older but I fouled up her plans by marrying someone else (to whom I was married for 39 years).
There is another reason this is troubling me. Sadly, in American society, we quest for money as if that will solve all our problems. And, many Americans — far too many — struggle in poverty that impacts their wellness and that of their children. With the rise in mental illness in the COVID era, especially among the young, I want to make sure we do not think money will solve all that ails us.
There is lots that money can’t buy. It can’t buy health, except at the margins where the wealthier most assuredly get better care and can afford multiple opinions and specialists and experimental and non-experimental drugs and treatment options. See above possibility regarding fatal illness as a cause for suicide. Money can’t buy true love in my view, although it surely can mask the absence of intimate love. We buy lovers expensive gifts if we have the net worth but that hardly guarantees that a marriage or relationship will last and be deeply inter-personally satisfying. (Yes, the absence of money can play a role too in the demise of relationships.) Money won’t stop one’s child from being hit by a random car or a random fatal illness. Money can’t buy true friends. Money can let you buy art by famous artists but it does not make you a creative artist of any sort in and of itself — whether that is visual art or music or dance or authorship. Money can enable you to be philanthropic and surely help institutions in need although donating to Harvard as Tom Lee did has always struck me as an odd way to change the world for those in need. I can think of far better (though less prestigious places) where the money given would make an enormous difference.
Bottom line: a man committed suicide after apparent success in all ways we measure success in America. Yes, he put a bullet in his head and there was no one who stopped him or saw his decline or helped him find happiness. All the economic success in the world wasn’t enough. Tom must have been profoundly unhappy and not for a day or a week ….
Now, to the other story that is on my mind.
Ja Morant
I cannot stop reading about the basketball star Ja Morant who plays for the Memphis Grizzlies and makes millions of dollars from basketball and endorsements. He had (perhaps still does have) a remarkable future. But, recent events have derailed him. He’s 23 years old.
He was most recently seen in a strip club without a shirt and brandishing a weapon (he put it on Instagram). It’s not the strip club that bothers me (although it is usually the women who are shirtless). It is the gun display. And this has not been the only incident that makes one’s eyes roll. He attacked a teenager in his neighborhood by punching the teen’s head. This occurred in a pickup basketball game. (You can’t make this up.) He showed up at a mall with a bunch of friends to right a wrong his mother had experienced. (She had called him to get his help it seems.) Surely he did not intend to reach an easy resolution with the offending party if he brought his entourage. He was involved in a laser pointer incident involving an Indiana Pacers traveling group.
Here’s an article describing all this: https://www.sbnation.com/nba/2023/3/1/23620868/ja-morant-allegations-aggression-teenager-fight-punch-story.
He is now suspended for at least two games. In a statement, he said “I’m going to take some time away to get help and work on learning better methods of dealing with stress and my overall well-being.” Well, that is really good news — if it is honest and from the player (not written by the agent).
Here’s the point. Money hasn’t given Ja Morant happiness. And he has millions. He is dysregulated and struggling off the court. And, his violent and aggressive behavior suggests to me that fame and fortune will not solve his problems. Neither will a two game suspension. He needs real mental health counseling.
He could, in a nanosecond, see his bright future dim. Think about other players whose careers were derailed for criminal activity or horrific behavior or even bad bad judgment. Think about Georgia football player Jalen Carter who was involved in an incident that killed two people including a teammate (there was street car racing involved). And then there is Darius Miles, a standout collegiate basketball player at Alabama, who drove the car that contained the gun that was used to kill a woman (apparently by a former basketball teammate). And, you can recollect other athletes and actors/ actresses who have risked and sometimes ruined their careers through drugs and alcohol and sexual abuse.
So, here’s an example (Ja Morant) where money isn’t solving things; it is masking things.
Ja Morant and Tom Lee: Lessons
There are, to be sure, marked distinctions between Ja Morant’s behavior (apparently none of it criminal although I question that) and Tom Lee’s behavior. One risks his future; one ended his future. One was new to money and fame; one was raised with money and social status. Yes, one was black and one was as white as driven snow. That said, neither found money to be the answer.
Here’s my hope. Ja Morant is young. He can find help and happiness. For Tom Lee, that option is closed. I hold out hope for two things: that folks realize that money does not cure all ills and masks sadness; and there is, for Ja Morant and others like him, options to get needed help so they avoid a career ending actions. Maybe Tom Lee’s death can serve as an object lesson to us all: seek help whether you are rich or poor; money can’t solve what aches in one’s soul. Remember that: no amount of money can cure what ails one’s soul.
Note: a special thank you to Drs. JS and ND who proffered the possibility of a fatal medical prognosis as a cause for suicide.
