Friendship, Cevicos and A Bad Neighbor: Lessons Learned and Learning
Cevicos
As many readers know, I went on a medical mission to Cevicos in the DR. What an extraordinary experience to work with hundreds of children. What an extraordinary experience to help so many many people in need. Since then, I look for kindness and positivity wherever and whenever I can find it. That’s not easy these days.
She’s a Taker
Now one of my neighbors is a quintessential taker. She asks and asks and asks. And, until 6 months ago, I gave and gave and gave. I got little in return except as she noted today, good Italian subs.
I tolerated her yelling at me. I tolerated her OCD. I tolerated her constant complaining. I tolerated her asking me for favors that stretched boundaries: like keeping my phone on at night in case she felt ill (maybe 20 times). I drove her to more appointments than I can count. And she was mean and snarky and most assuredly jealous of me (a recent realization I had that was slow in coming) on too many levels to name. Examples. She’d say things like: “Look at how many packages you get.” Or, she queried very recently quite nastily when we both happened to be at the end of season sale at a local boutique: “You need another outfit?” (sarcasm abounded).
Try it this way: my neighbor has lived in this town for 50 plus years and she has ONE female friend. That says it all.
I shared all this with her daughters including that I couldn’t and wouldn’t bow to her demands and behavior any longer. No wonder they adored me as a neighbor; I filled a real need.
I was and am done. Cooked. Fried. In the interest of their privacy and relationship with their mother, I will keep their responses to me private. Let’s just say they get it.
Today’s Confrontation
This morning (yes post election and she voted for the orange man for sure), my neighbor said I was picking on her. I had complained yesterday about smelling her second hand smoke. I do smell it and smoking smells permeate into buildings. She said she couldn’t smell it (she lost her sense of smell) and there was no fire risk as she keeps a can of water outside into which she dumps the butts. Don’t get me started on how the can looks and smells, all filled with butts. Vaping is better!
She said I hadn’t been nice to her. She said I didn’t say hello to her dog when I came down the stairs with plentiful boxes in my arms on the way to the garbage bin. Yup. She had a catalogue of my lack of attentiveness.
I tried to share about friendship being reciprocal. I shared it made me angry that I allowed her to take advantage of me. She then said the lines that precipitated this post:
“You didn’t learn anything on your Cevicos mission. Giving there should have taught you that giving is not reciprocal.”
OMG.
I, who am usually silenced by such aggression and meanness, found my voice. Here’s what I said: “
The mission to Cevicos was about helping, with no need or claim for reciprocity. Friendship is different; it needs reciprocity to thrive; there must be give and take.
Now, after I spoke truth to meanness, I realized something bigger. The power of the Orange Man and his many minions is that they instill a fear in us. They actually produce a silencing. Think Bezos.
And there are real risks to speaking up and out. And there are even greater risks to action based on one’s sense of right. It is dangerous to speak truth to power. Ask Anita Hill.
But, this morning reinforced three things for me and with remarkable clarity: (1) If you have never been on a mission, don’t tell me (or anyone else) what I (they) learned or didn’t learn when you have no clue; (2) Mean takers don’t and can’t change; that is who they are; it isn’t mental illness; it is a character deficit; and (3) time for action for me — speaking and acting on my convictions about kindness and caring and equity and equality. So Orange Man and my neighbor: watch out. I found my voice.
Pretty good morning when viewed through those three perspectives.
