Envy is a Dangerous State of Mind I’ve Been Slow to Recognize in Others

I have been exposed to envious people starting with my biological mother and moving forward to the present moment with my next door neighbor. There have been many envious people along the way …

But, it is only recently that I have unpacked the meaning and consequences of envy for those exposed to it. And yes, here’s the hard part for me (and not necessarily others): I turned (and still turn) other people’s envy into acquiescence on my part to all their demands, designed to mitigate their bad behavior and keep the peace and quiet — at my own expense. Yup.

Ponder that flip: I take the envy of others and change my own behavior rather than calling out their bad destructive behavior. In a work context, that is ok; in a personal context, it is unacceptable to be denigrated by envious folks. Yet…..

The academic literature on envy is abundant and clear: name for oneself the emotion the envious person is expressing; set real boundaries; and engage legal remedies as needed. Would that I had started with step one: naming. Would that I had known this literature. Would that I had acted a year ago… well, two years ago. Boundaries could have and would have been set. Legal recourse could have taken a back seat to changed behavior.

The omnipresence and presence of envy came to my light WHEN a reader of my recent post on my neighbor questioning snarkily my pursuing a clothing purchase (with the acid acerbic line: And you need another outfit?) said this to me: “Wow, is she envious. I am sure this isn’t the first time her behavior reflects envy.”

I was struck. I self-perceive as insightful but boy of boy (an odd expression) did I miss naming and then dealing with the repeated neighbor’s exhibition of envy. I simply didn’t see register what she was doing.

And to be sure, there were other examples in addition to the clothing snark. Consider this sampling: her commenting on the number of packages delivered to my home; her following my visitors around the parking lot (not kidding); her jumping (not literally) out of nowhere to join in a conversation I am having with my wonderful decent friendly other neighbors; her being angry at not being invited to lunch at a Japanese restaurant (and she doesn’t eat raw fish); and her reference to a piece of my art accepted into a regional juried show as “cute.” How demeaning. And while there are many things one can say positively and negatively about my art, “cute” isn’t among the suitable vocabulary. How demeaning. Envy rages.

Here’s the artwork deemed “cute”and titled Nature’s Arrow. It is an unadulterated, non-AI enhanced photo. (I like and create photos using and not using AI and respect both.)

I am still trying to process the implications of how a person’s envy plays out in the life of the other. I haven’t figured it all out. I’m trying and on certain topics, I process slowly. I can’t wrap my head around mean behavior by the other.

But this I know: my neighbor is oblivious to both her envy and its implications. She’s unable to self reflect, exhibiting what her daughters’ term verbal, and I’d add in action, diarrhea.

I’m wondering: Is there Imodium for bad behavior? If so, I’ll buy large quantities if you tell me where to purchase it. I know someone who needs it and for the first time I have named the feeling of envy from another that can, when exhibited, be nasty and mean and rude; envy, like that expressed by my neighbor, produces behaviors that have legal implications and real consequences.