As I go to Kenya….

Trigger Warning: If you are a mean narcissistic person or are related to or know such people and don’t want to look in that mirror, this post might not be for you. No one forces you to read my blogs. So please, if you are worried that the shoe fits, read something else!

As I head to Kenya on the first of several trips to this nation to help a girls’ school that assists Maasai students and their teachers, I am yet again deeply appreciative of the opportunity to help those who are less fortunate and for whom I can offer real on the ground assistance. I have even learned a handful of sentences in Swahili, a rather hard language for me to be frank despite my best efforts.

As our political leaders eliminate 10,000 USAID jobs and our outreach to help those in need across the globe, I am doing my wee bit to make the world a better place. The timing of my upcoming trip is not lost on me as the world as I knew it is cratering. (And plentiful “wee” contributions can aggregate into a big give; individual small efforts count.)

Not that long ago (May 2024), I went on a mission to another nation that is struggling, the Dominican Republic. There, I worked with hundreds of children as they awaited medical attention, and I served as a translator for the doctors/nurses as needed. In this instance, a foreign language (Spanish) served me very well.

And, like the upcoming trip to Kenya where I will spend time with nuns and in prayer opportunities (although that is not my faith), I spent time with nuns in the DR and in prayer sessions. Best as I can tell, whomsoever one thinks about as being the Supreme Being/ Power/ Presence, all comers are welcomed. Just read the late Richard Cohen’s book titled Chasing Hope for affirmation of this last sentence.

But…

I can’t help but recollect what my mean, nasty narcissistic neighbor (who has now thankfully retreated into her abode at least in my presence) said to me when I returned from the DR and I refused to continue our “friendship” (if it ever was that). This is an individual who continually asked and asked and took and took and took some more (from me and I am sure others) but rarely gave. If she asked five times how I was doing following 4 surgeries, I would be exaggerating (and I did NOT expect a gift or soup or even a card).

When I told her that I was “done” giving to her (and mind you she has never been on a mission, she professes faith and lives a life devoid of giving back even though she has the time and acuity to do so), here is what she said (and her words appear in several earlier blogs).

She said, as I terminated our so-called “friendship,”

“Didn’t you learn anything about giving on your Mission?”

OMG (whatever or whomever G that is). Here is someone with no capacity to give who questions whether I learned anything on a mission.

Her argument goes something like this: I (Karen) should have learned to give, in her mind to her specifically. Yup. I should have given without any expectation of reciprocity from her. That give, give and give thing is what she wanted and needed and demanded.

Well, I have learned plentiful amounts on the mission to the DR about humanity and decency and joy and hope. I also realized that giving to a mean, nasty narcissistic person, for whom poverty is not an issue as she is financially supported by family with means, is not what friendship means. We give to those in need not to needy folks who lack real need.

Friendships are reciprocal relationships. Reciprocity in one’s private life is essential. I have written at length about a concerted effort to surround myself with people who are NOT mean, who are giving and thoughtful and wise.

I Learned Vastly More…

But, I learned more than that. I learned, contrary to my past actions and beliefs and understandings, that some people cannot and will not change. They have characteristics that are long standing and immutable, and no amount of effort or action will change mean and narcissistic people into good people. And I have tried for some 6 decades. Tough lesson. Lots of “wasted” effort on my part too. I had hope but it was a misguided quest.

Ponder those thoughts as we reflect on our nation and its leaders. Efforting to change bad mean narcissistic people is wasted. As we ponder how to deal with the mean, narcissists in power in our government and their blatant disregard for the other (sort of like my neighbor but on massive steroids and with the will of many voters), I am struck by our willingness to engage in multiple change efforts.

These change steps are wasted. Truly. These people, like my neighbor, are never changing. They cannot and will not express empathy and by way of example, the President turned a national tragedy at DCA into a political platform and blame game. Even psychiatrists agree that there is little we can do to stop narcissistic behavior. It is deeply ingrained; it is one’s character; except at the margins, it is NOT changing.

Instead, here are my suggestions. (1) Ostracize mean people from one’s life. (2) Help those in need directly and through the legal system and other outreach efforts including dollars. (3) Identify strategies that work-around the mean narcissistic leaders (do workarounds) and forge ahead to identify approaches that benefit others. (4) Give and give and give again. (5) Keep takers away in the meanwhile as best as one is able. (6) And for the record, call out meanness at ever turn, lest the mean people think we don’t notice meanness and “accept” it.

And, remember this: if you actually are a giver to those in need, it will benefit you in a myriad of ways including your mental and physical wellness. Fighting for what’s right and good has enormous value.

So, as I head to Kenya to do work that our political leaders would consider radical and leftist and vastly too focused on diversity and equity and inclusion, I can look up to whatever Supreme Power exists and feel that he/she/ they/ it will eventually distinguish between faux believers and fake religiosity and hypocritical believers and mean people, and will recognize the grace and wisdom and care some folks extend to those in need.

If there is a G-d, one has to hope that he/she/they/it see through surface behavior and recognize the power of giving. I think the Right Reverend Budde is on the right path. I’m in her camp. She called it the need for exhibiting mercy. I call it the crucial role of giving to those in need. Whatever term we use, it is about caring for the other, those individuals whose lot in life can benefit from our giving.

Postscript:

Ponder this quote found on Social Media and keenly apt: