A Thought or Two on Good Grudge Holding…. And Its Important Positive Benefits

As readers know, I think our world has fallen off its axis. And to those who suggest that I am like Chicken Little by saying the sky is falling, you may know your fairy tales (yes KLIII) but you surely don’t know your history (think WWII) and what constitute effective propaganda techniques and manipulative strategies.

Calling out bad behavior is key if we are to get it to stop. Or at least we can let the mean people know that their behavior is unacceptable. As in totally and completely unacceptable and even unforgivable. Lacking in empathy is a cardinal sin in my book; so if you profess religiosity and are filled with meanness toward the other, shame on you. You need to listen to the Right Reverend.

Good Grudges

The general view is that one should let all grudges against others go … holding them is wasting energy on bad actors (or so the rhetoric goes).

I beg to differ as I think the foregoing statement is vastly too general and misses key benefits of grudge holding, especially in today’s world. It also misses the differences between good and not good grudges.

Let me reframe grudge holding here.

1. I am NOT talking about the revenge grudges that our current President holds; he is holding grudges against those who are not aligned with him or his policies. If you are a political detractor, you are subjected to revenge.

Instead, I am talking about a different kind of grudge: the kind generated by people who treat you badly and not based on politics or political alignment. I am talking about holding grudges based on moral misbehavior, the absence of empathy and meanness. Call these good grudges. These are the opposite of the revenge grudges T holds.

Remember, there are different kinds of grudges, just like there are different kinds of anger and different kinds of grief.

2. If a mean person (who generated the good grudge) never apologizes genuinely for her/his/their behavior (say forced by her/his children to do so) and/or doesn’t even own or recognize her/his bad behavior on a go-forward basis, holding a grudge with respect to this person has power. It serves as an internal reminder to the grudge holder that she/he/they deserve better and does not need to tolerate meanness…ever.

Remember, these are grudges based not on politics but on morality. And, revenge grudges are mean; good grudges are caused by meanness and are not mean.

Grudge holding (good grudges) is like an internal warning sign to the empathic grudge holder: red flag alert … gaslighting ahead…giving alert…beware of takers. In fact, the lack of the wrongdoer’s awareness of the grudge is proof positive that the grudge is worth holding. Call it a reminder.

Consider this quote found on social media (another of those rare gems), signaling why a grudge serves as a remember of the risks of being empathic and instead of continuing to give and give and give, I’d say hold a grudge:

2. In our world, forgive and forget is risky when the good grudges are the result of moral harm. When bad behavior abounds against another or others and we let it go, we cease to act. We cede power. When our nation’s voted in leader decides that he will henceforth control programming at the Kennedy Center, should we just let that reality go? Should we let him decide what is culturally acceptable?

Perhaps T’s grudges are based on his insecurity as a leader and a man. Add in EM too perhaps. Revenge is not the motivation for good grudges. The T grudges are grounded in political disagreements not items of moral stance. Just ask Right Reverend Budde to distinguish political retribution and revenge (the T grudge) and moral behavior and the need to anchor it (good grudges).

No. We need to hold good grudges. We need to be mad. We need to act. We need to remember the present and the past. We need to be keenly aware of the cumulative effect of meanness and bad behavior and supporters of discrimination and disrespect. Don’t move on. Move in.

Next Steps

My thoughts on how to address the state of the world is slowing coming into focus. I am trying to stop lamenting and decide how best to act. Action needs to have effect.

In the meanwhile, consider this: good grudge holding is empowering. It is motivating. Rooting out revenge grudges has power too. Giving to the non-giver is draining. Instead, hold their badness and act against it. Stand them up as exemplars and symbols of what NOT to do, what NOT to accept. Be brave enough to say: I’m done with your like. And I’m not forgetting your failures to respect the other. Demand others act with decency. And if they can’t, grudge hold.

In other words: good grudge holding empowers action. Now, how to take meaningful action is the next step. I’m working on that. And when and if I get insights, I’ll share them. In the meanwhile, my good grudges are here to stay. Read that again….