A Phrase to Delete: When You Come to Your Senses…..

The phrase in the title to this post “when you come to your senses” has been interpreted to mean: when you stop being wrong or foolish…

It, like other phrases in our lexicon, needs to be eliminated. My antipathy for bad axioms starts this well-known oft-used saying: “Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you.” That is simply an untrue statement. Words can and do hurt. And, that leads directly into this current axiom.

Now, the phrase “When you come to your senses…” is, except in the rarest of cases, also untrue. It is mean-spirited and suggests that the speaker of these words is all-knowing and dismissive of the feelings/thoughts of others, particularly the person to whom they direct these words. It is a phrase reeking of selfishness and self-focus, indicating a kind of moral superiority. (Think politics and the need to tone down the verbiage.) It is degrading to the recipient, as if she/he has undeniably lost their way; their moral compass went amiss.

Consider how this phrase “When you come to your senses…” can been used. And, consider how offensive it is.

If someone close to you is supporting a political candidate with whom you strongly disagree, one could utter: Let me know when you come to your senses about this candidate…

If someone holds a belief that a certain artist’s work that you admire is pathetically bad, one could say to them: When you come to your senses about this artist….

If someone is acting badly and hurting others in ways that make no sense, someone could blurt out: When you come to your senses, you will see that your behavior….

In today’s world, words matter and how and when we use them speaks loudly. We need to be vastly more careful about the words we use and the tone in which they are spoken. For me, snarky is out. Meanness is out. Pouting is out. Complaining is out. We can disagree for sure. And we should. But, we need to do it carefully and in ways that do not suggest violence or moral righteousness or insensitivity. Antagonistic behavior actually isn’t helpful or persuasive. Try another tact, thinking of James Ryan’s fabulous question: Can’t we at least agree that…..? That’s a focus on the shared understanding folks may have.

The motto of the moment for me in our increasingly crazy world: Use words with care.

All of this comes to mind because I recently decided to terminate a relationship. (Yes. I am widowed and dating again.) The recipient of my “Dear John” letter basically responded (in quite similar verbiage): “When you come to your senses, reach back out to me.” Now that’s a person who certainly believes he is in the right and I am in the wrong. And, he certainly thinks I must have lost my mind to not be in a relationship with him. Basically, he was saying to me: you foolish wrongheaded person; I am the catch of a lifetime.

I want to answer this person loudly: I have my senses, thank you very much. And then add some choice words that are not in the spirit of kindness that I hold as one of my core values. So, because words matter and I am not a mean, nasty person, I said and will say nothing. I just blocked him.

Might we all want to tone down our rhetoric and agree to disagree without accompanying meanness? Is that too much to ask?

I hope not.